Am I Failed???!!!

Lately my mind quite distracted with few internal affairs issue. I'm feeling a bit or quite down recently.I don't know how to express what inside my mind and what I feel right now. The best way is by writing it inside my blog.At least I will be a bit release.

Since my dad passed away, I tried to settle every problem arise in our family.I mean in our niche family.Yes I do aware my dad family consider my younger brother need to take that responsibility.Since that he also no too strong internally and financially, so I need to assist him in taking care my other 2 sister and my mum.

Lot of issues actually start to be happen. I tried my best to solve it with rational,open minded, the best way I think. I start to realize my life actually start to change. No more shopping twice per month.Everything I buy or do I need to be more calculative.Quite tough for me to adapt with my new responsibility. From the list of responsibility not all I manage to handle it properly.But I try to take it positively.I need time adjust with new environment and life.

Actually I try to pretend with everyone I'm ok and I trying my best to tackle all the problem arise especially from my little sister.She still study at Secondary School in PJ. I just moved here to the school. She not seem to be happy at that school compare her old school in Kedah. I understand she still in thrauma since my dad passed away.She 's the one in the family which look and feel quite depressed, eventhogh until now.

She seem need to adapt and change a lot within short time of transition from our hometown to here. Yes, she do complaint about school, and etc2, which I ignored it , because I want her to understand this is time for her to change and make it more better than before. I try to pretend what she complaint doesn't make sense, but in deep of my heart I know she's hurt,tense, need more attention from me and the rest of us.

We try to give the best,but I know her heart still feeling empty.That what she told me before, but I just teasing her,and make fun,and sometime try persuaded her life will be much better.

Suddenly, yesterday my patience to her complaint come to the limit which I don't think I can stand it anymore.I really2 blowed last nite. I felt she really going overboard of my patience. I don't want too, but I need too.I really throw my anger to my little sis. Then she cried all over the night and refused to go the school today.She told my mum it won't happen if our dad still here. She also said she don't want to stay with me.

Yeah I realised quite tough for her to go through this hard time and also tough for me too to make her understand why I'm doing this and that.Also why I'm decided this and that. When she said to my mum she don't want to stay with me anymore.I asked myself 'am I failed to be good big sister?' Maybe yes...

But should I give up?No I shouldn't. I know sometime I neglected her, not too aware about her study,her needs, and also her happiness.Then here we go, I'm feeling moral down , stress, and FAILED.I need to stand up and cope with the problems.

I think , I really need advise and to cool down at this moment, (sigh)