Am I Failed???!!!

Lately my mind quite distracted with few internal affairs issue. I'm feeling a bit or quite down recently.I don't know how to express what inside my mind and what I feel right now. The best way is by writing it inside my blog.At least I will be a bit release.

Since my dad passed away, I tried to settle every problem arise in our family.I mean in our niche family.Yes I do aware my dad family consider my younger brother need to take that responsibility.Since that he also no too strong internally and financially, so I need to assist him in taking care my other 2 sister and my mum.

Lot of issues actually start to be happen. I tried my best to solve it with rational,open minded, the best way I think. I start to realize my life actually start to change. No more shopping twice per month.Everything I buy or do I need to be more calculative.Quite tough for me to adapt with my new responsibility. From the list of responsibility not all I manage to handle it properly.But I try to take it positively.I need time adjust with new environment and life.

Actually I try to pretend with everyone I'm ok and I trying my best to tackle all the problem arise especially from my little sister.She still study at Secondary School in PJ. I just moved here to the school. She not seem to be happy at that school compare her old school in Kedah. I understand she still in thrauma since my dad passed away.She 's the one in the family which look and feel quite depressed, eventhogh until now.

She seem need to adapt and change a lot within short time of transition from our hometown to here. Yes, she do complaint about school, and etc2, which I ignored it , because I want her to understand this is time for her to change and make it more better than before. I try to pretend what she complaint doesn't make sense, but in deep of my heart I know she's hurt,tense, need more attention from me and the rest of us.

We try to give the best,but I know her heart still feeling empty.That what she told me before, but I just teasing her,and make fun,and sometime try persuaded her life will be much better.

Suddenly, yesterday my patience to her complaint come to the limit which I don't think I can stand it anymore.I really2 blowed last nite. I felt she really going overboard of my patience. I don't want too, but I need too.I really throw my anger to my little sis. Then she cried all over the night and refused to go the school today.She told my mum it won't happen if our dad still here. She also said she don't want to stay with me.

Yeah I realised quite tough for her to go through this hard time and also tough for me too to make her understand why I'm doing this and that.Also why I'm decided this and that. When she said to my mum she don't want to stay with me anymore.I asked myself 'am I failed to be good big sister?' Maybe yes...

But should I give up?No I shouldn't. I know sometime I neglected her, not too aware about her study,her needs, and also her happiness.Then here we go, I'm feeling moral down , stress, and FAILED.I need to stand up and cope with the problems.

I think , I really need advise and to cool down at this moment, (sigh)

The unforgetable 26th Birthday Moment.

I arrived about 12 o'clock at midnite.Slowly come out from the car and looked around.The building almost deserted ...Only few cars parking in front of the building.The lobby of the building quite huge.What can I see only 2 guys in uniform about 50metres far in front of me.

I start to walk and cross the huge lobby to the 2 guys with the uniform. They just stared at me when they start to realize I will seem to approach them. The place really quite at this hours..and also looks and sound a bit scary.

"En., saya nak tukar shift," both guys in uniform just nodded without saying a word.They seem to understand my purpose and allowed me to enter.I'm quickly walk straight to the lift..The area really look gloomy...But i just don't even bother.Quickly get myself into the lift.I push the button which stated 3.The lift closed very slow,and inside of the lift quite dark.That time I start to think something spooky..but then I just ignore the spooky imagination..

Once the lift open..I walk out and straight away looking to the signboard..showing Wad Kenanga B.Yes finally...I follow the sign I met my dad lying on the bed in the ward.I give him a smile and kiss his hand.

For the 1st time my dad and I really spend our quality time to talk each other..We've a chat,talking about my work, his illness,also a bit about my life and his concern about my others 2 little sister.I guess almost a few years I never eagerly wanna to have a chat with him due to something happens in our family..Make our relationship almost tear apart. I didn't even care or call him to ask how is he..only my dad willing to call and ask about me for years...

Now I start to realize everything or anything happen nothing can break the ties between the daughter and her dad.No Birthday present,no birthday wish...but the care he show...is enough to show how much he love me still..After we talked long enough I've to make my move that nite..In my heart the joy and the sadness had become one.Sad to see my dad condition...very ill and weak..happy for the 1st time in my life I had spend 26th birthday with my dad..I will never forget the moment forever.

Walk out from the hospital..I feel the half of missing part in my life already found..